Exotic pets…

Anyone who’s ever seriously considered a reptile or a Madagascar hissing c0ckroach has never worked for the government or spent enough time in the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Exotic is actually defined as any pet or animal a normal person wouldn’t seriously consider owning for more than two seconds.

When considering any pet, one of the first things to think about is, “Who else owns one of these animals?”  Example:  Tiger: Bengal or White.  Answer:  Siegfried and Roy, Mike Tyson and Boris Yeltsin.  Enough said.

Example two:  Chimpanzees, spider monkeys or any other member of the primate family.  With the exception of the late Michael Jackson, (enough said), there’s a reason these pets are reserved for the more common “eccentric” in society.  These are living beings whose primary form of entertainment consists of a day of relaxation filled with casual playing with  and the occasional recreational pitching of fecal matter.  Many American homes are already equipped with these biological accessories, they’re known as toddlers and husbands.

Thankfully, most women come factory-installed with a “practicality gene”.  They haven’t located it yet, but that’s next on the list for the members of the Human Genome Project.  This particular gene’s sole function is to prevent the women from even considering certain ludicrous male ideas for even half of a second.  This is a good thing.  If you think I’m kidding, try this.  Ask your wife or mother if you can bring one of these critters into her house and the word “No” will cross her lips before she can even blink once.  Girlfriends don’t count for this particular exercise, because under the right set of circumstances they could agree to almost anything.  If you need me to explain any further, give it five or ten years, the answer will come to you, I promise.

I guess that’s why if you think living under the same roof with an animal that can bench press a Buick and rip your face off with its teeth in a fit of hormonal rage is a good idea, you might be ready for marriage.

But, I’m digressing…  There’s a reason most celebrities don’t consider primates exotic enough.  They’re already surrounded with dirty animals who do nothing but sling fecal matter all day long.  They call them paparazzi.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time to feed Lindsay Lohan…

Not exactly appropriate…

Sometimes good comedy is just about where you find it.  While driving home from work two days ago, I heard the announcer/DJ come over the airwaves, “It’s about time, finally some celebrity parents who have decided to show some restraint and not drag their child actor/star’s name through the mud.  That’s right folks, Gary Coleman’s parents have decided not to contest their recently deceased son’s last will and testament.”  There was a brief pause as the DJ realized there might be a problem when he said, “Folks, I promise you I did not do this on purpose.”  The next song on the playlist?  “Little Bitty” by Alan Jackson.